Achmed The Dead Terrorist | Jeff Dunham: All Over the Map


(rocking electric guitar music) – Did you know that the very first x-ray was taken right here in
Birmingham, England in 1896? – Ha! You call it an x-ray. I call it a selfie. (laughter) – So what did you do today? – I saw where they keep all those useless wax figures. – Ah, Madame Tussaud’s Wax Museum. – No no, Parliament. (laughter and applause) (bagpipe music) – We’ve been talking about Scotland a bit. – Oh yes? – Mm hmm. I read the other day that
Scotland is actually the, I’ve saved this fact for you, the murder capital of Europe. – (gasps) (laughter) I didn’t do it. I had nothing to do with this (bleep). (laughter) – Did you know that bagpipes have existed in Scotland
since the 14th century? – (gasps) That is probably about the time the murder rate went up. (laughter) (imitating bagpipes)
Waaah da da da-da ra-da Boom! (bomb noise) (laughter) – (laughs) (applause and laughter) Did you know that I think my mother was part Scottish? – Why do you say that? – Sometimes she’d want to
put me in Scottish clothing. – Really? – Oh sure, she’d say, I kilt you! (laughs) (laughter) Kilt, kilt, kilt, I kilt you. (laughter) (Israeli music) – So Achmed, we’ve been
going all over the place. – We have. – Do you know where we are? – Well, we are going so many
places, I have lost track, and we, uh, uh, what’s with all the Jews? (laughter) – We’re in Israel. – (laughs) That’s so funny. Yeah, okay, Israel. (laughter) Yeah, that’s really funny, we’re what? (laughter) – We’re in Tel Aviv. – (weak laugh) (laughter) As in Israeli army? (laughter) Holy crap! (laughter) Well, I’m already dead. What the hell. (laughter, applause and cheers) (upbeat music) – Bonjour. (speaks French) (laughter) – So you are French? – Oui oui, c’est francais. – Uh huh, and your name is Jacques? – Oui. Je m’appelle Jacques. (laughter) – And what is your last name? – Merde. (laughter) What are zay laughing at? (laughter) My name is Jacques Merde. (laughter) (applause and cheers) I do not understand what
they are laughing at. (laughter) – I think merde is
translated into uh (whispers) (laughter) – I am Jack Shit? (laughter) – Well, despite your name, you seem like a nice guy. – You don’t know Jack Shit! (laughter) Wait, zat is not funny. (laughter) – They’re laughing. – I kill you! (laughter) (cheers and applause) – Ho ho ho. – So you’re happy to be here? – No. – Why is that? – Where are we exactly? – (laughs) – Do not spit on my
face, you ugly American. (laughter) Where are we exactly? – Kuala Lumpur. – Ah oui, Kuala Lumpur. (laughter) Malaysia, the weather here is bullshit! (laughter) Where I am from, the weather is hot. Morning is hot. Afternoon and evening is hot. – I don’t think the weather
in France is always hot. – Ah ah ah ah ah! Do not question Jacques. (laughter) It’s not always hot in France? – No. – Fuck, okay. (laughter and applause) Let’s just say, for the sake of the joke, Francais is always hot
hot hot hot hot hot hot, like a desert hot. (laughter) Yes, you’ve been there before. Yes, there are pyramids, sand. (laughter) Silence! Je t’a tue. (laughter) – What was that? – I know French. (laughter) – So explain what you do for a living. – I am a francais terroriste. – A French terrorist? – Oui oui. (laughter) – So you strongly agree. – No, I have to go wee-wee. (laughter) It’s not funny! (laughter) Silence! Je t’a tue! (laughter) – I thought French was known
as the language of love. – Oui oui, I love to blow up (bleep). (laughter, cheers and applause) (loud swiping)

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