Donald Trump Wows At First Solo Stress Conference

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>>Stephen:
>>STEPHEN: WELCOME TO THE “LATE SHOW,” EVERYBODY. I’M STEPHEN COLBERT. WOW. I’M SO GLAD YOU COULD BE HERE ON
THIS HISTORIC EVENING. DONALD TRUMP HELD HIS FIRST SOLO
PRESS CONFERENCE AS PRESIDENT. HE WAS OUT THERE ALL BY HIMSELF. HE DIDN’T EVEN BRING HIS MEDS. IT WAS A ROBUST ONE HOUR AND 17
MINUTES. BEEFY. SO BEEFY, YOU COULD EAT IT WITH
A FORK BUT YOU WILL WANT TO USE A SPOON TO GET EVERY DROP OF THE
CRAZY. IT JUST HAPPENED. WE WERE RECORDING THIS IN THE
EARLY AFTERNOON. IT LITERALLY JUST FINISHED. THIS IS FRESH. IT MUST BE FRESH BECAUSE YOU CAN
SMELL IT. THERE IS A REAL —
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THIS PRESS CONFERENCE, IT’S
STILL STEAMING. YOU CAN WARM YOUR HANDS OVER
THIS PILE. ( LAUGHTER )
IT’S KIND OF HARD TO CHARACTERIZE THE PRESS
CONFERENCE. WORDS FAIL ME. HOW ABOUT CNN?>>IT WAS UNHINGED.>>Stephen: OKAY, JAKE. NICE TRY, BUT THAT’S THE LYING
FAKE MEDIA. WHAT DID HIS FRIENDS AT FOX NEWS
SAY?>>ALL RIGHTY, THEN!>>STEPHEN: VERY FUNNY. VERY FUNNY, NICE TRY. VERY FUNNY. OKAY. WHAT DID FOX NEWS REALLY SAY?>>WOW. ALL RIGHTY, THEN. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: WOW! WOW! WITH FRIENDS LIKE THAT, WHO
NEEDS FOX AND FRIENDS? NOW, RIGHT OFF THE BEAN, HERE’S
THE THING — DONALD TRUMP HELD THIS CONFERENCE BECAUSE THERE’S
CHAOS IN THE WHITE HOUSE AND ALL THE TALK ABOUT WHETHER THE
RUSSIANS ARE PLAYING FOOTSIE WITH HIM AND THINGS LIKE THAT. HIS PRESS AIDES SAID THIS IS
TOTALLY HIS IDEA. I TOTALLY BELIEVE NO ONE ELSE
THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA FOR HIM TO DO. TRUMP DEFENDED HIS ROUGH START
BY IMMEDIATELY ATTACKING AMERICA’S TRUE ENEMY:
ANYONE BUT HIM.>>TO BE HONEST, I INHERITED A
MESS. IT’S A MESS.>>STEPHEN: NO, YOU INHERITED A
FORTUNE. WE ELECTED A MESS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THEN HE TOUTED HIS ACCOMPLISHMENTS.>>I DON’T THINK THERE’S EVER
BEEN A PRESIDENT ELECTED IN THIS SHORT PERIOD OF TIME WHO’S DONE
WHAT WE’VE DONE.>>STEPHEN: I DON’T SAY THIS
OFTEN, BUT, MR. TRUMP, I COMPLETELY AGREE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THIS IS UNPRECEDENTED. AND THE PRESIDENT FOCUSED TO THE
ONLY THING THAT MAKES HIM HAPPY, BESIDES HIS NIGHTLY BATHROBE
TIME: REMINISCING ABOUT HIS ELECTION.>>GOT 306 ELECTORAL COLLEGE
VOTES. I WASN’T SUPPOSED TO GET 222. THEY SAID THERE’S NO WAY TO GET
222. 230 IS IMPOSSIBLE. 270, WHICH YOU NEED, THAT WAS
LAUGHABLE. WE GOT 306. BECAUSE PEOPLE CAME OUT AND
VOTED LIKE THEY’VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE. SO THAT’S THE WAY IT GOES. I GUESS IT WAS THE BIGGEST
ELECTORAL COLLEGE WIN SINCE RONALD REAGAN.>>STEPHEN: ACTUALLY, SIR,
BARACK OBAMA GOT 365 ELECTORAL VOTES IN 2008, YOU ONLY GOT 306. WAIT… DO YOU THINK 306 IS
LARGER THAN 365? WOW, BETSY DEVOS WORKS QUICK! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THE DeVOS EFFECT! YOU GOT DeVOSFIED. THAT WAS THE DeVOSFICATION OF
DONALD TRUMP. ( LAUGHTER )
LATER, A REPORTER REMINDED HIM HOW NUMBERS WORK.>>YOU SAID TODAY THAT YOU HAD
THE BIGGEST ELECTORAL MARGIN SINCE RONALD REAGAN WITH 304 OR
306 ELECTORAL VOTES. IN FACT, PRESIDENT OBAMA GOT 365
IN 2008–>>WELL, I’M TALKING ABOUT
REPUBLICAN.>>– PRESIDENT OBAMA, 332, AND
GEORGE H.W. BUSH, 426, WHEN HE WON AS PRESIDENT. SO WHY SHOULD AMERICANS TRUST–
>>WELL, NO, I WAS TOLD– I WAS GIVEN THAT INFORMATION. I DON’T KNOW. I WAS JUST GIVEN– WE HAD A VERY
BIG MARGIN.>>I GUESS MY QUESTION IS, WHY
SHOULD AMERICANS TRUST YOU WHEN YOU ACCUSE THE INFORMATION THEY
RECEIVE OF BEING FAKE WHEN YOU’RE PROVIDING INFORMATION
THAT’S–>>WELL, I WAS GIVEN THAT
INFORMATION.>>STEPHEN: HOW PRESIDENTIAL. REMINDS ME OF HARRY TRUMAN, WHO
SAID, “LOOK I DON’T KNOW WHERE IT’S SUPPOSED TO STOP, I WAS
GIVEN THAT BUCK.” ( LAUGHTER )
AND TRUMP PROVED ONCE AGAIN HE IS CONSISTANTLY INCONSISTANT.>>I WATCH CNN. IT’S SO MUCH ANGER AND HATRED,
AND JUST THE HATRED. I DON’T WATCH IT ANYMORE.>>STEPHEN: BUT YOU LITERALLY
SAID YOU WATCHED IT, TWO SENTENCES AGO! THEN YOU SAID YOU DON’T WATCH
IT! IMAGINE IF BILL CLINTON SAID, “I
DID NOT HAVE SEX WITH THAT WOMAN. THE MEDIA IS SO DISHONEST. I TOTALLY BANGED HER IN THE OVAL
OFFICE. TOTAL. BOOM. TOTAL. ( LAUGHTER )
BUT A CNN REPORTER FOUGHT BACK.>>JUST BECAUSE THE ATTACK OF
FAKE NEWS AND ATTACKING OUR NETWORK, I JUST WANT TO ASK YOU,
SIR–>>I’M CHANGING IT FROM FAKE
NEWS THOUGH. VERY FAKE NEWS.>>STEPHEN: OH, VERY FAKE NEWS! I DIDN’T REALIZE WE WERE
BRINGING OUT THE BIG GUNS. AND IF THAT DOESN’T WORK, HE’S
GOING TO HAVE TO RATCHET IT UP TO
“VERY, VERY, TOTES-MAGOTES, FOR REALSIES FALSIE FAKE NEWS.” NO FAIR CHANGEYS. NO DROPS, NO BOMBS, NO TAKEOUTS. ( APPLAUSE )
CIRCLE DOT, GOODIE SHOT. ( LAUGHTER )
THAT WORKS. AND TRUMP FINALLY ADDRESSED THE
RUMORS ABOUT HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH VLADIMIR PUTIN.>>PUTIN PROBABLY ASSUMES THAT
HE CAN’T MAKE A DEAL WITH ME ANYMORE BECAUSE, POLITICALLY, IT
WOULD BE UNPOPULAR FOR A POLITICIAN TO MAKE A DEAL. I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M SAYING I’M A
POLITICIAN, BUT I GUESS THAT’S WHAT I AM NOW.>>STEPHEN: THERE IT IS. CATCH THAT IS THIS
WE ALL SAW THE MOMENT WHEN DONALD TRUMP FINALLY REALIZED HE
IS PRESIDENT. ( LAUGHTER )
AND TRUMP EXPLAINED WHY GOOD RELATIONS WITH RUSSIA WERE SO
IMPORTANT.>>IF RUSSIA AND THE UNITED
STATES ACTUALLY GOT TOGETHER AND GOT ALONG– AND DON’T FORGET,
WE’RE A VERY POWERFUL NUCLEAR COUNTRY, AND SO ARE THEY. THERE’S NO UPSIDE. WE’RE A VERY POWERFUL NUCLEAR
COUNTRY. AND SO ARE THEY. I’VE BEEN BRIEFED, I CAN TELL
YOU ONE THING ABOUT A BRIEFING THAT WE’RE ALLOWED TO SAY,
ANYBODY THAT READ THE MOST BASIC BOOK CAN SAY IT, NUCLEAR
HOLOCAUST WOULD BE LIKE NO OTHER.>>STEPHEN: YES, THAT’S THE KIND
IN-DEPTH BRIEFING THAT ONLY THE PRESIDENT IS PRIVY TOO. IT’S IN THE HIGHLY CLASSIFIED
BRIEFING BOOK: “NUCLEAR HOLOCAUST BAD.” IT’S A LITTLE TECHNICAL. IT’S A LITTLE TECHNICAL. I DON’T WANT TO GET TOO JARGONY,
BUT THE BRIEFING IS JUST ONE LONG WORD — BOOM. ( LAUGHTER )
THEN, RATHER THAN ADDRESS THE RUSSIAN RUMORS, TRUMP PIVOTED
>>DOES ANYBODY REALLY THINK THAT HILLARY CLINTON WOULD BE
TOUGHER ON RUSSIA THAN DONALD TRUMP? DOES ANYBODY IN THIS ROOM REALLY
BELIEVE THAT?>>STEPHEN: I DON’T KNOW, I’LL
ASK. DOES ANYONE REALLY BELIEVE THAT? ( CHEERING )
AND TRUMP WASN’T DONE WITH HIS ETHNIC OUTREACH. ADDRESS B THE THORNY TENSIONS OF
WHITE HOUSE RACISM WITH APRIL RYAN.>>ARE YOU GOING TO INCLUDE THE
CBC WITH YOUR URBAN AGENDA.>>WHO? THE CONGRESSIONAL BLACK
CAUCUS AND THE –>>WELL, I WOULD. DO YOU WANT TO SET UP THE
MEETING?>>NO, NO, NO, I’M JUST A
REPORTER–>>ARE THEY FRIENDS OF YOURS? GO AHEAD, SET UP A MEETING.>>I KNOW SOME OF THEM, BUT I’M
SURE–>>LET’S GO. SET UP A MEETING. I WOULD LOVE TO MEET WITH THE
BLACK CAUCUS. I THINK IT’S GREAT. THE CONGRESSIONAL BLACK CAUCUS. I THINK IT’S GREAT.>>STEPHEN: OH, YOU’RE BLACK,
CAN YOU TALK TO THE CONGRESSIONAL BLACK CAUCUS AT
YOUR NEXT MEETING OF THE BLACK CLUB? YOU KNOW WHAT, FORGET IT. I’LL HAVE BEN CARSON DO IT. THSIT DOWN. SIT DOWN. ( APPLAUSE )
WOW, IT’S TRUE, RIGHT? THE PRESIDENT. IS HE GIVING AWAY A SECRET? ALL BLACK PEOPLE KNOW EACH
OTHER, RIGHT?>>Jon: YEAH.>>Stephen: AND YOU KEEP EACH
OTHER’S SCHEDULES.>>Jon: WE MEET AT OPRAH’S
HOUSE.>>CAN YOU SET UP A MEETING FOR
ME WITH BEYONCE, JAY-Z, AND
FREDERICK DOUGLASS?>>Jon: YEAH.>>Stephen: HEART A LOT OF
GREAT THINGS.>>Jon: YOU CAN COME, TOO. ( APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: AND FINALLY, CBS’ MAJOR GARRETT ASKED THE
QUESTION SWIRLING ALL WEEK: WHAT TRUMP WILL DO ABOUT THE
HEIGHTENING TENSIONS WITH RUSSIA.>>YEAH, I’M NOT GOING TO TELL
YOU ABOUT ANYTHING I’M GOING TO DO. I DON’T TALK ABOUT MILITARY
RESPONSE. I DON’T SAY I’M GOING INTO MOSUL
IN FOUR MONTHS. “WE ARE GOING TO ATTACK MOSUL IN
FOUR MONTHS,” THEN THREE MONTHS LATER, “WE ARE GOING TO ATTACK
MOSUL IN ONE MONTH.” “NEXT WEEK, WE ARE GOING TO
ATTACK MOSUL.”>>STEPHEN: THAT WAS THE
PRESIDENT UNVEILING HIS TWO NEW CHARACTERS: “MILITARY GUY” AND
“DICTATOR GIVING A PRESS CONFERENCE.” ( BAND PLAYING )
>>Stephen: WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT! SALLY FIELD IS HERE! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
STICK AROUND!

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