let’s get to some news. Things are still pretty tense
between Trump and Iran. In fact, when Trump was asked about Iran possibly
attacking us, he said, “If it happens,
it happens.” [ Laughter ] Just like when
the Civil War started, and Abraham Lincoln declared,
“Eh, it is what it is.” [ Laughter ] “What do you want from me?” And this isn’t good. The U.S.
military accidentally sent a draft letter ordering
U.S. troops to leave Iraq, and the chairman
of the joint chiefs of staff called it a kerfuffle. [ Laughter ] Then Trump was like, “I believe
the word is ‘covfefe.'” “Kerfuffle.” “Covfefe.”
“Kerfuffle.” “Covfefe.” Trump is busy. Earlier today
at the White House, he met with
the leader of Greece. Trump was confused ’cause
he thought the leader of Greece was John Travolta. He’s like, “We got to talk about
foreign policy, right? You got to ban
automatic weapons. Automatic. Systematic. Hydromatic.
It’s greased lightning!” ♪♪ [ Cheers and applause ] Trump actually had
a lot of questions for the prime minister
of Greece, specifically, what is
actually happening on the side of this diner cup? Please tell me. [ Laughter ] I always wondered. Earlier tonight on ABC, “Jeopardy!” began their Greatest
of All Time tournament. -Ooh.
-Yeah. Where the three biggest
“Jeopardy!” winners of all time face off against one another. And since it’s ABC prime time, they changed the name
from “Jeopardy!” to “Nerd-ish.” -Ah. [ Laughter ] -That’s right. The “Jeopardy!”
Tournament aired at 8:00 p.m., or as “Wheel of Fortune”
fans put it, “When the big hand is here,
and the little hand is here.” [ Laughter ] ABC really gives you both ends
of the spectrum, though. Tonight, it was the three
greatest “Jeopardy!” contestants of all time.
Last night on “The Bachelor,” it was three single women puking
out of a sunroof of a limo. Isn’t that fun?
-Aww. -That’s right. Last night
was the season premiere of “The Bachelor.”
Did you guys watch it? [ Cheers and applause ]
Oh, good. I like him. Well, I saw that one contestant
had an entrance that really stood out.
Take a look at what she did. -Thank you, sir. [ Chuckles ] -Hello! -Oh, my God. I am impressed. [ Laughter ] -What? What? -Meanwhile, another contestant
in a suitcase took Southwest and accidentally ended up in the
baggage carousel at LaGuardia. -Oh.
-If that wasn’t bad enough, here’s footage of her arriving,
too. Look at this. -Hello! -Aw, terrible. [ Laughter, applause ] That’s awful. That’s just terrible. Some business news. I saw that Pier 1 is close
to filing for bankruptcy. This may not mean much to you, but I promise
your aunt is devastated. [ Laughter ] This is interesting. I saw that
Uber and Hyundai are teaming up to make a flying car.
-Ooh. -Check this out. Look at this. Yeah. It’s real. It’s perfect if you’ve ever been
in the back of an Uber and thought, “I wish
this half-asleep driver was 1,000 feet off the ground.” [ Laughter ] Oh, also, I read
that the auto maker Lamborghini is adding Alexa to its upcoming
vehicles, which is pretty cool. They’ve been testing out some
of the features on other cars, and it looks great.
Check it out. -Alexa, turn left ahead. -Did you say
“buy a loaf of bread”? -No, turn left ahead. -Playing “Bread”
on Amazon Music. [ Tires screeching ]
-♪ If a picture paints ♪ ♪ A thousand ♪ [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] [ Laughter ] -♪ If a pi– ♪
Oh, man. This isn’t good, though,
over here. I hear a man in Missouri
stole a car, but I don’t think he realized
the full extent of what he had stolen.
Take a look at this. -An Oklahoma man was arrested
after he stole a truck containing a sleeping passenger
and — get this — a goat. Authorities say it happened
at an adult video store. [ Laughter, groaning ] -[ Laughing ] What? -An adult video store? Even the goat was like, “Dude,
have you heard of the Internet?” I mean — Right now, authorities
are still unclear about what it takes
to get this guy off. [ Laughter ] -Oh, there — now you go. -Oh, now you got it. ♪♪ [ Cheers and applause ] When the goat saw where he was,
he was like — [ Goat shrieks ]
Alright. This is — [ Laughter ] This is crazy. A man in Florida
had an interesting reason for being able to drive drunk.
Watch this. -A Florida man’s
blood alcohol content was nearly three times
the legal limit. He told Pinellas County deputies
that it’s alright because, “I’m
a professional drinker.” [ Laughter ] -Professional drinker
sounds like a job a contestant on “The Bachelor”
would list. We actually have footage
of him driving, don’t we? -♪ If a picture paints ♪
-No, terr– Oh, come on. He’s alright.
-♪ A thousand ♪ He’s okay. I just got word.
He’s alright. And finally, a new study found that running a marathon
could help you live longer. Unfortunately, your nipples
suffer an early death. We have a great show.