Why My Girlfriend And I Broke Up

Why My Girlfriend And I Broke Up

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So this is going to be kind of a personal video and it’s because it’s about a breakup and it’s a breakup that happened a while ago but when I made the video on it, I don’t think that I was ready or had the perspective to share what I want to share with you today and that’s because I didn’t know it because at the time, I thought that we broke up because she had one set of values, I had another — we wanted different things in our life — and despite the fact that we loved each other, it just broke us. But I realized that there was something else that sabotaged our relationship without me even realizing it and it was something that I let happen so I’m making this in the hopes that if this is you or has been you or could be you, that you do better than I did and I want to start by kind of giving you some context to this relationship so that you can see if it is for you because,
truly, this is not a relationship advice for everyone — it’s really only for the people who relate to the stories that I’m about to tell. And the context is that we had a very masculine
and feminine dichotomous relationship and what I mean by that, very simply, is that
we had kind of an opposites-attract thing going on and I see this in many relationships, though not all, where one person — the more masculine person — tends to be more outwardly-focused, they tend to be more future-focused, and they tend to have a more narrow range of emotions
that they might experience on any given day. And the person who is more feminine tends to have a wider range of emotions — higher highs, lower lows — they tend to live more in the present moment and they tend to be more focused on their social and familial connections. This doesn’t mean that you can’t have bits of either person but it just means that the masculine person tends to live most of the
time here and the feminine person tends to live over here and what happens when those two people meet is it can be awesome — like, the sparks are incredible because they provide for each other something that they don’t often get and I think for this woman that I dated — I provided,
for her, a sense of groundedness perspective and — I think I made her feel very safe. For me, I got this wider range of emotions, I got to experience some of the most intense feelings that I’ve ever gotten and it made me feel alive in ways that I, quite frankly, hadn’t up until that point. So really, really, really good sparks but one of the things that I have noticed and I noticed early in the relationship is that people who tend to be a bit more feminine and a bit more emotionally-driven don’t always communicate so directly and what I mean is that the three layers of communication are not in sync and those three layers are — what someone says,
what someone wants, and what someone needs. So a couple of examples, just a very basic stereotypical one — a guy is about to go out on a Friday night. His girlfriend is not happy about it for whatever reason and she doesn’t look happy and he says, “What’s wrong?” and she says, “Don’t worry about it. It’s fine. Just go.” Now, what are these three layers of communication? First, literally, what she says is, “Just go.” If you were to just go, you would probably be not in a very good place because what she says and what she wants are not the same. What she wants is for him to stay perhaps, right? And to spend that time with her. But what she needs could be anything depending on the context of their relationship. Maybe she needs him to say, “You know what? I’ve been totally neglecting you. You’re right. I’m going to go out tonight because I made plans but let’s definitely
do something tomorrow and I’m going to block off next weekend for you.” Maybe she needs him to say, “You know what? You’ve kind of been really upset since you got in a fight with your friend.
I think that this is something you need to work through on your own. I’m going to go out but we can talk about it later,” —
it completely depends on the context of the relationship. But the point that I am making here is that I do believe that with the people that you love the most — your family, your friends, and especially your intimate relationships — it is your job to of course listen to what they say and to give them what they want but, really, to deliver what they need. And that is what we were able to do for one another at the beginning of this relationship and because her three layers were sometimes out of sync, I oftentimes had to feel what she needed that was going on underneath what she was saying, right? So for instance, maybe she was upset about something and we were having a conversation; she said she wanted to talk about it. And I noticed that as she was talking about it, she was just getting more and more upset
and it wasn’t really helping her feel better. At the time, I said, “Hey, hold on one sec. Just come over here.” I gave her a big hug, I’d crack a joke, she laughed and then she , she cried on me and 20 seconds later after she was done crying, she’d say, “Thank you. I needed that,” and then the next day, we could actually
address the problem and talk about it and come up with solutions. That’s an example of listening not to what
someone just said but what someone needs and at the beginning of our relationship, we were both just able to cut through and give the other one what they needed in such an intense way and of course, there were plenty of times where what we said
and what we needed were the same — in fact, most of the time. But when they didn’t match up, the other person just knew and I, especially, feel like I had such a good grasp on her value system on what ultimately was going to make her feel good and I was able to deliver it in a way that made us really, really close. So that went great for a long time but as the relationship progressed and especially at the end, I lost sight of that and whereas before I just had this gut feeling where I knew what to do — I knew she needed a hug, I knew that she needed to talk, I know that she needed space, I knew that she needed me to come be with her — whatever it was, I couldn’t feel it anymore. And so I’d find myself in conversations that turn to arguments and after 20 minutes I go, “How did we get here and how come I don’t know how to get us out of here?” I don’t know what she needs, I felt disconnected from her, and it got so bad that I was, literally, even more frequently bumping into her like I couldn’t anticipate where she was going. And I was trying to puzzle this all out in my brain, “How did we go from feeling so in sync to just so disconnected?” and I realized, it is something that happens all the time and it’s that I lost my masculine center. And I know that sounds very hippie-dippie — very woo woo — but what I mean by that is that I got so scared that the relationship would end and it meant so much to me because it created so many positive feelings in me that I stopped doing the things that I needed to do to be this grounded person and instead of really understanding what she needed at the time, I started listening only to what she was saying because I just wanted to fix things;
I wanted everything to be better so I just listened to what she said and I delivered but I wasn’t giving her what she needed. And sometimes I wasn’t even listening to what she says to be to be totally fair. And I’m sorry. If she’s been watching that, she would say
I didn’t listen to her the whole time. But I did lose sight of what she needed and what that meant is that over time, we slowly drew apart. Now in order to fix this — because I’d lost my masculine core — I thought,
“Oh, you know what I need to do? I need to grip this relationship tighter.” So towards the end, when things weren’t going fantastic, I planned three weeks for us to just stay together and at this point, she even said — she knew — she’s like, “Hey, I don’t think
that’s a great idea,” and I said, “No, no, no. We have to do this,” but again, my gut, my intuition for telling us what we needed was completely off because I was just living kind of in fear that this relationship would end. So I planned three weeks, we spent them together, and while it started okay, we both disconnected from — on my case my friends,
and her case, primarily her family and just spending so much time with each other,
little things got blown tremendously out of proportion. For instance, we’re standing in line, we’re about to get some food, she’s a little bit peevish because she hasn’t eaten
that day and she’s just a little bit short with me; early in the relationship, I would know, “That has nothing to do with me. She’s hungry. Let it go. She’s going to be fine in
three minutes when she eats,” which is what happened. But because I was scared that the relationship was going to end, I was upset that she was upset, I got upset, and now even though she was fine three minutes later, I was harboring a grudge and that grudge lasted for hours and then created another argument that went into the evening. That is what destroyed our relationship; it is me losing my masculine center. And it’s only having gotten this distance from the relationship that I realized the things that I stopped doing — the practices and the habits that
I need and, I think, probably a lot of guys might — to maintain that. So I want to share with you now what those are because if you lose that and you can’t give the other person what they need, you lose that intuitive sense that I do believe comes kind of inborn when you really do click with someone and you understand their values, it can end the relationship so there might be a female corollary to these things or rather a feminine core — I don’t know, that’s not my experience —
but I just want to share with you the three things that I did afterwards — I wish that I have done earlier — but that you can potentially do
if you find yourself in this kind of a situation. The first one is absolutely create time for male bonding. And it sounds so simple but I see so many guys who meet a girl that they’re crazy about and they just want to spend all their time together and they begin to isolate themselves from their male friends; this is not a good idea. I know it sounds romantic to be the only people in the world that you need but that, for me and I think for many men who have
the same kind of a core that I would say that I do, is that you need to replenish that perspective. And what was so interesting is that after we broke up and I did have more time and I called my friends, they immediately, in conversation with them, made me realize how lacking in perspective I’d be over this stupid argument that we had about food in the fact that she was peevish. I couldn’t believe how I got so caught up in the moment and so upset. They helped ground me. They teased me, they poked fun at me, and it just made me feel more centered. Unfortunately, when I didn’t create time for that in the relationship, well, that kind of messed things up. The second one is that you need to keep the things that attracted her to you in the first place. And what I realized is that when a lot of people start relationships, they’re flirtatious, they’re fun, they’re challenging, they’re dangerous and a little bit edgy. And then as the relationship develops, it becomes so logistical. “What do you want to do tonight? What movies would you
like to watch? Do you want Italian?” “I don’t want to,” and it could be very loving but it loses that spark. You need to, if you want to have that polarity, —
one, create the time apart, I think is important, with your friends and two, you need to flirt with the person that you’re dating and in order to do that, I do believe that you have to flirt with the world, right? I spent so much time just worrying about this relationship that when I would interact with someone in the world about this guy or a girl, I was so straightforward. In the past, when I went into Chipotle or I talked to someone, I always was messing around, I was having fun, I was cracking jokes, and I was creating relationships but because I got so obsessed and so scared that this relationship was going to end, I stopped flirting with the world. Now I’m not saying flirting in the sense that it must be someone of the opposite sex; it could be but it doesn’t have to be. You just need to mess around, be playful, be challenging, and be fun with people out there and you bring that energy to your relationship,
it makes it better; it keeps that spark going. And third, and I believe this is the most important thing that I lost sight of, is that you need a purpose that is bigger than the relationship. And I know that this is controversial but I do believe
that it is important for people that have a masculine center. If you disagree, feel free to let me know in the comments. In fact, I shouldn’t say with such certainty that this is true of everybody; this is true of me, maybe it’s true of you. But when I woke up in the morning, the most important thing for me that had appeared in my life was making sure that this relationship didn’t end. And what that meant is that rather than treating this relationship as somewhere where I want to just give positive emotions — where I was having an amazing day, when I saw her, I was just ready to dump these amazing stories and emotions on her. It was that I stopped really enjoying so many of the things in my life that I used to enjoy and I went to her to make me
feel loved and connected and peaceful — that is a recipe for disaster. I began treating the relationship like a well to be drawn from
rather than a cup that I could fill up. When I separated and I started to reconnect with the things that really matters to me and I came back to Charisma on Command which I’ve been doing
but really thinking about, honestly, trying to help more people and thinking about that purpose and really dedicating myself to that, all of these feelings that had, for awhile, only come from her — these feelings of connection and love and doing the right thing
and being significant, I started to feel that in myself. And it let me spread that in a way that I didn’t so if you relate to this, what you need is a purpose that is bigger than your relationship and I know it sounds romantic to have your relationship be the only thing but what I have experienced is that in making sure that I’m doing something for the world that contributes, that gives back, and that is good — and that my relationship, of course, plays a part of it and she absolutely did help
me create Charisma on Command in fact and she loved ot be a part of it and in excluding her from that, I mean, what a dumb thought but I did it because I was just like, “No, this relationship must work.” In losing that purpose, really, more than anything, I lost that masculine center. I lost that drive to give to the world, I lost that drive to give back,
and I became so obsessed with what I might lose. If you do that, you stand to absolutely losing the relationship and so I wanted to create this video not just as a confessional but because I do think that I see a lot of people doing this and it is unfortunately very common both for men and women that when they get into a relationship, they lose themselves; I would say they lose their center. So clearly, I’m speaking from a masculine perspective
but there’s absolutely a feminine perspective. If my ex were to make this video, she could tell you about her experience but you need to not just lose yourself in another person and again, I don’t mean to proclaim and I’m sorry for doing this but it has been my experience that losing yourself and
another person is not the way to have a healthy relationship. You need to be your centered self with that person and that is how you create an amazing relationship; you maintain your relationship’s, your life, your family, and your friends’ purpose. You incorporate that person into it but you don’t lose sight of the things that make you work independently of them because if you do, not only you’re screwing yourself but you’re screwing the relationship. So I hope that you have found this helpful and not to rambley and perhaps self-indulgent if you will but I did want to
make this because I think that it might help some people. One last thing before I let you guys go is that
we are so close to hiring our video editor, Andre. He’s been doing the YouTube videos for a long time and he’s going to start, and already has, creating content for Instagram so if you want to follow a little bit more short form content, you can follow @charismaoncommand on Instagram or if you want to follow me, this is more pictures in my studio stuff that’s going on in my life in California right now so if you want to follow me, it’s @charliehoupert on Instagram. We’d love to see you guys on there because I am looking forward to creating kind of different styles of content as I have reconnected with my purpose which is just Charisma on Command right now; it touches my heart. I’m blushing. But anyways, I love you guys. Thank you so much for watching this video. I hope you enjoyed it and I will see you in the next one.

100 thoughts on “Why My Girlfriend And I Broke Up”

  1. @CharismaonCommand I also realised the same! I also learned game and after years of going I came to the same conclusion. #charismaoncommand

  2. Where ever u direct or focus yr energy u will experience. -I was so afraid of losing her. That it didnt end… I am sorry u learned it the hard way handsome 🙂 Its very difficult to base a relationship on needs. Love gives, need takes…

  3. Where was this video 6 month to a year ago, when I did indeed lose myself out of fear of losing her, and now I have in fact lost her? Damn, it all makes sense now. Here's to rediscovering my masculine center and perhaps win her back. 🙂 Thanks for a greatly insightful video that has shown me what exactly went wrong. 'cause that was almost word for word, situation for situation, what did indeed go wrong in my relationship. I am stunned at the specificity and the level of recognition.

  4. How to Fix a Relationship from Breaking Down (Masculine Perspective):
    1. Create time for male bonding/time apart.
    2. Keep the things that attracted her to you in the first place
    3. Find a purpose bigger than the relationship.

  5. Holy crap, this is the sexiest thing I’ve ever heard. I think if anyone did this to me (“come here… hey do you need a hug?”) I’d probably save us both hours, days, years of talking lol. And men would likely get what they want a lot faster too…. I’ve never heard it explained so well. Aside from some sexual mechanics, I think this is the biggest secret of what really want (the feminine or ?) to have the feeling read that’s under the words. I don’t why most of us think this way (that you can’t just ask for it) but we do.
    And I know this will lead to a gazillion jokes (that believe me, I already know) but what’s the deal with men? …Appreciation?
    Such a great video.. and the second part is true about everything. You could boil almost every discussion of co-dependency, narcissism or whatever, down to “never let your coordinates be external” we all attach and dependents and all that but it’s about excess. Due to trauma and or insecurities, hurt… life we all fall into this mistake of looking outside for validation, approval, excitement .. security. And it never works. It’s just the human job, I think- that you can’t lose sight of.

  6. I think some commenters that feel this is an infantilizing of women or that “women should communicate better” or whatever may be thinking about it too extreme. No one should deal with someone who does this too much (that would be bratty and annoying) a “high maintenance” kind of thing, making it too much like a game of having to constantly read a girl’s mind would be rediculously annoying. But I think it is an amazing thing to be able to notice what’s behind the words.
    And look, we have evolved…we are at a stage where we can partner more… labor isn’t as divided. We don’t need bread winners (only) as much bc NOW protection involves emotional intelligence. Just like guys prob don’t just want women ONLY nurturing… cooking, not adding to the survival of the “us”. It’s not “a feminization if the male” (other comments I’ve seen) bc BOTH genders or styles need to meet in the middle and learn from each other. That’s the yin and yang, that’s while fun of it all. It’s learning each other’s styles and caring enough to wanna provide that. In my opinion this is almost like the ultimate of masculinity- the “good dad” the true provider, and in turn maybe women could try so-called male styles, a little more. Do things that aren’t always centered around language, or emotional analyzing. Our brains are different… I also think this works for same sex couples as well. I just don’t know how to explain that one as well, or quickly.
    But we are at a different stage in our evolution and it’s interesting the second half of his talk bc that ties into the theme of evolution as well. We are more designed to pass genes on to next generation than we are at helping he group survive. And a “nuclear” small family unit no longer cuts it. It’s not sexy to depend soley on one person. It’s way sexier to be two wholes coming together. Excessive dependency is weakness. I dunno maybe I’m reaing too much evolutionary psychology lately. But human (species) survival must develop more coooerative than “brut” skills at this stage or we won’t survive.

  7. You're very kindhearted but I think you were putting waaaay too much into the relationship, possibly more than she did. Did you ever wonder how you came to become so scared of the relationship ending? If you started out so strong, something must have gone wrong over time to tip you over to the insecure side. Either you had codependency issues to begin with that you were masking or she was legitimately disrespecting you and you were internally resentful of it. People don't go from being totally okay to being totally not okay without a reason.

  8. I agree with you. Be your Natural self and don't lose your focus. I understood this and did all tge things i loved doing while in the relationship with my Ex and i felt great. But she didn't mainly because her step parents wouldn't let her see my and that my best friend and I hung out a bunch because her boyfriend and my girlfriend were both at the same school and we couldn't see them. My ex got super jealous and controlling towards my she kept trying to change who i was because she felt all these emotions and her relationship with her parents only made things worse. When i tried telling her what the problem was ahe gave me the silent treatment and when she would talk to me she said. I NEED TO CHANGE MY BEHAVIOR like i was doing something wrong by being myself and being with. My best friend which is her EX BEST FRIEND. I STILL DON'T KNOW WHY THEY STOPPED BEING FRIENDS I FELT SAD FOR MY EX AND MY NOW BEST FRIEND WE BROKE UP BECAUSE SHE SAID HER PARENTS WOULD NEVER LET US BE TOGETHER LIKE 2 YEARS WASTED. I REALLY FEEL LIKE WE COULD'VE HAD A GREAT RELATIONSHIP BUT SHE HAD WAY TO MUCH GOING ON NOT TO MENTION THAT ALL HER EX'S USED HER JUST TO GET WITH HER BETTER LOOKING FRIENDS. SHE HAD A LOT GOING ON THAT NEEDED TO BE RESOLVED a year later and i am living my life
    We don't speak to each other and are out of each other's lives completely

  9. Ironic, my wife always accused me of flirting with the world when I wasn't. I am glad I wasn't. That's on her if she can't see it. As for fearing the relationship would end–that I think is what I lacked. My attitude was, "I'm not here to convince you that I'm a good person. You have to figure that out on your own. If we are meant to be together, we will. No need to force this." That was simply not the attitude she was hoping for. I think everyone is looking for something different, and sometimes we have no idea what we are looking for. Even worse, we may even have no idea what we are looking AT.

  10. Having a purpose is extremely important. People think these days that a romantic relationship is the end-all, be-all, but it's really not. Thinking romantic relationships are everything leads to 1. staying with bad partners from fear, 2. being afraid of being a being single, 3. losing sight of priorities outside of relationships. That's why a relationship should not be an idol. It's not the entirety of life.

  11. Thanks for sharing this Charlie, it really was helpful for me to listen to this personal experience. It allowed me to reflect on my past choices and gave me some insight as to why I may have made certain decisions. I am really glad you have this channel and will continue supporting your content.

  12. Dude, you are over thinking it. Chicks are unstable creatures. They have estrogen that makes them nuts. Every day is opposite day to them. Yes means no. No means yes. All they know are shoes. Sure are cute the little things are. A bus comes along every 15 minutes

  13. A lot of people are saying the girl should explain to the guy why she’s upset and not expect them to read their mind and I agree, however, in my past relationship anytime I got upset, my boyfriend got angry and I genuinely believe that it’s the wrong response to have, even though it may be coming from a somewhat thoughtful place. There’d be times where I’d explicitly explain to my ex that I was just feeling down and that I’d get over it eventually, and instead of receiving compassion and understanding of the emotions I was going through, I was greeted with confusion and frustration, and him having the urge to try and make me feel better immediately, as if I had a switch I could just turn off. I’m human, I go through difficult times often for no real reason. I’ll try my best to explain why but I can by no means just “stop being sad” suddenly. To me that’s very artificial and robotic. When he was upset I let him go through the motions, but he didn’t give me that same reaction and I genuinely believe that had a significant effect as to why we separated.

    Still hurting but looking back at what went wrong can slowly make you realize why it probably happened the way it did.

  14. Charlie, I know I don’t know what I am talking about but I think you were having to try too hard. I just don’t think that would have ever worked out because it seems like you were having to balance the entire relationship on your own. I think that even if you had maintained your masculine center this would have wore you out eventually. I believe relationships have to be as much work for each person or at least mostly balanced. But anyway, I really like your channel and I think it’s time well spent for me.

  15. The problem is that women like the men as they are, otherwise they are not attracted in the first place. However, women have this “I want this man to change for me” syndrome. When they succeed, the downfall follows.

    Don’t change for your woman, be yourself. Be a better person for yourself, don’t cater for her. You’ll still end up a better person. I totally agree with this video, only he is saying it in a more PC manner.

  16. I watched this video a week too late, me and my girlfriend broke up a week ago and i have learnt so much from watching these 2 videos on your previous relationship, i too got lost in the relationship and became obsessed, losing my values and my independence which then made me become less attractive to what i was when we first met, this ultimately broke down the relationship between us but this has given me a huge insight on how to be better next time, thank you bro.

  17. I had to stop watching after the 2 minutes mark cause it felt like you were attacking me lol. Jokes aside this basically described me and my ex to a T.

  18. When you build your life around that person, you immediately put them into a cage, you included. A relationship is not built into itself, it's built to be shared with hers and your family, friends and community.

  19. hey man thanks, I can related and to be honest looking back I do realize what was happening to me. I will try to do better next time 🙂

  20. Pretty much what happened to me. I put my ex-boyfriend in the centre of everything I let go of my drive to inprove or aim for anything else. I put so much focus on him and he felt pressured. Eventually, he pushed me so far away, I got depressed and then called it off. Things get real so fast, the problem eludes you when you got on those rose coloured glasses.

  21. This is what happened to me, only in my case, i (man) was the feminine one. Me and my girlfriend (ex since yesterday), we realized we're going different paths some time ago, but yesterday morning, she had the guts to end it. i understand it's better for both of us, but since yesterday i'm just broken, i can't eat, i can't sleep, i'm crying my eyes out. And since we live together, i have to see her every day, for at least next 2 months.. i don't know how i'm gonna get through this 🙁

  22. “One of the things I have noticed is that people who tend to be more feminine, a bit more emotionally driven don’t always communicate so directly”

    Hey! Sometimes I don’t communicate at all thank you very much.😂
    Okay so obviously I’m joking but I literally do need to start expressing myself more.🤦🏻‍♀️

  23. The funny thing is, i think this is good only for a relationship that is bound to end. Once you start talking marriage it's a whole different story.. The issue is ppl are not marriage driven now a days.. That's the root of the problem… Perhaps I'm wrong

  24. In all seriousness I needed this video , I started to feel the need to rely heavily in my girlfriend after 1 year. At some point I lost my drive and sense of masculinity , all because I cared way to much about the relationship itself. Now after seeing this I started to focus on myself more and get intro sports and music. Most importantly I spent more time with my family and friends , then when my gf saw this she felt the need to be closer to me . That finally put more confidence in me

  25. In short, you meant you lost your self, your identity.. for her.

    I agree 100 percent, the same happen to me.
    Goodluck next time – lesson learned.

  26. This is 100% what happened with me. I felt like my relationship was falling apart, which ironically caused me to utterly destroy it through my own insecurity. Unfortunately, those kinds of feelings tend to feed themselves and it can be very difficult to dig yourself out of that downward spiral before it's too late.

  27. Dude, after listening to your video, I think you have tried very hard for this relationship. Who wouldn't lose themself a little bit during a relationship? At the end of day, it is too much to ask a human to be perfect at all times.

  28. Great points ! Two people with a purpose and full life that come together and can share their unique experiences with one another while continuing to grow and help each other is a great recipe for love! When you stop doing things you love and the person becomes the only purpose of your world, it’s so true as you said that it can go south. I’m so sorry for anyone who has gone through that. I like the point mentioned that any relationship needs that masculine/feminine contrast to thrive. I’d like to add that some men are more feminine and some women are more masculine, and knowing that about yourself is important because you need the opposite energy to balance you out…just because someone’s gender is male/female doesn’t always mean they have the right energy to compliment what your core self needs.

  29. This sounds like what happened to me, very close actually. She lost physical and emotional attraction and I had distanced myself from my friends and I was doing everything she wanted. I lost direction, lost how to flirt and was no longer a challenge… thanks for the upload

  30. You yes you!!! Listen, 2 month ago, my girlfriend broke up with me. And yes, i know how your feeling, i know it's

    indescribably terrible. After 2 month of not believing people that it will get better, it got better 😀 and you will feel better too, no matter how complicated or incomprehensible your Breakup was.

    I didn't wanted to live anymore, and the thing that helped me the most was to talk to other people, who are in the same situation that I was in.

    Talking really helps, and if you do not care that my English isn't that great then you can always just text me to talk to me.

    What a beautiful thing it is, to be able to stand tall and say, " I fell apart, and I survived"

    If you want to talk to someone: Thats me on instagram: daniel05021999 !!!! <3

  31. 7 years into my marriage, I am facing the same thing. Price I am paying for having thought, so many years ago, that a more agreeable attitude on my part was the best thing for our marriage. I am in the process of fixing that now. Thank you for your insight.

  32. This is incredibly true. Basically I’ve had this friend for about 2 years now and it’s always been a bit push-pull like one day we’d get closer and a couple of days later we’d be going apart. Over time I realised that I should just be true to myself and keep that solid core like you said. Remaining unreactive in stressful times and not pushing it further. Instead focusing on helping them learn how to settle in with people they may not like and not overreacting when things go wrong. Anyway, I think this video really helped me understand this better. Although it’s very hard to put into words. I really respect you for thinking about these things so much and taking the time to help others too. Thanks

  33. The second and third advice are basic PUA. But yeah, it's very easy to neglect these things… Anyways, Flirting is very important indeed, but when you are in a relationship for a long time, it gets harder… You should make a video about flirting in a long term relationship. That would be really interesting!

  34. I love this crap. This dude is talking about how he wasn't giving this chick what she needed, wanted., ect. How he lost his "masculine center." At what point does this woman stop using him as an emotional tampon and start having a relationship with him. A relationship requires two people contributing. Otherwise, it's like opening a savings account and only one person makes deposits. Stop dating people who "complete" your life and date ones that compliment your life.

  35. Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I’ve taken on the blame for my ex recently breaking up with me, and this helps put a few things into some perspective, and helps me forgive myself for the things that weren’t working with us.

  36. hey brother i just wanted to thank you for putting this stuff out there… its so on the nose, my fiance just left me and this is exactly why but i couldn't extenuate it. Thanks man

  37. "Masculine center"? WTF is that? Seriously, that phrase lost me and broke me right out of the video.

    Sounds like what you lost was your sense of self. You turned yourself into her boyfriend, instead of a guy who was dating her. Thankfully, you actually get into that later in the video.

    Everybody needs time for self-maintenance, whatever that happens to be. Whether it's taking a spa day every couple of weeks, or a night out with the guys/gals, or a bi-weekly yoga session, or a hobby. Or even a business, such as, say, creating videos giving relationship and self-help advice.

  38. Despite all the logic and techniques spiritual and internal maturity comes with time. Who knows the right girl at the right time will come to you. My dad has been married 4 times finally found the love of his life but he's never regretted any of his relationships. Good luck love 🙂

  39. The whole masculine/feminine definitions at the start were totally off. Masculine does not equal future oriented, less emotional and being more 'grounded'. Feminine does not equal more higher highs and lower lows and certainly not present-moment focused. You could have any combination of the above traits but they aren't assigned masculine/feminine. The relationship ended because of communication issues and one or both of you losing your sense of self. That's it really.

  40. Just in case some people weren't aware, this is a youtube video not some formal college lecture. Not sure why so many people think that because he used the terms "masculine" and "feminine" to describe traits that they need to complain so he can be more PC. While we're at it, we should change the whole language of Spanish so we can remove the masculine and feminine terms/phrases that way it won't be so offensive.

  41. Damn man. Id say I'm on the final stage of what you just went through. Stopped going to the gym to spend more time with her. I should have kept going. I stopped seeing friends because I never really needed them. They were just there until I found the one. Now I see that that was a mistake. I lost my purpose completely lol because I thought I didn't need it because I found the one. Yes I am naive but I learned a lot from this video and my relationship. I will regret, forever, the fact that I had to let my baby go to learn how to keep a relationship for the future, with a different woman. This world is a hard place. God bless you all. Thank you for making this video. You smiled your way through it but I know it's still probably hard to talk about. Thanks man.

  42. I am sure your ex is a wonderful person, but I really hope you find someone who is willing to communicate more with you. Someone who when they are sad won't be anti social and mysterious and just expect you to KNOW or randomly lash out, but rather tell you a detailed story because they know you are listening. You seem to really appreciate communication and it seems like that was lacking a lot. Nobody is a mind reader. Sure, we should try and sense the needs of others and help them when we can, but there is definitely a limit. Also, don't be too hard on yourself. (: It takes two to fight, just like it takes two people to decide that they are going to work through the problems as a team. You'll find them if you haven't already.

  43. I absolutely agree with a third one. You have to have a purpose in life. Something that is important to you , something that you are passionate about, something that makes you feel happy, content, full. Could be a job you like, hobby, charitable work, etc. Your partner would love you for it. And seeing you happy and fulfilled he/she will be happy for you. And vice versa.

  44. Thanks man, recently started dating the girl of my dreams and every box you mentioned I ticked ;( thanks a TON for helping me!

  45. It's funny. I am a woman and I totally relate with everything mentioned in this video! I don't consider myself as a very masculine woman (not that there's anything wrong with that, I just am not), but I also lost my center because I needed something bigger than the relationship, and less tense, more straight forward communication. I actually think it goes both ways; I've seen it with many women who lose their ground because they pour everything in a relationship and leave their passion behind. I think it's just more accepted with women, we are actually expected to do this, and we are more at risk of losing ourselves! That definitely needs to change.

  46. Modern, western women tend to stay infantile forever. You're not a reader of crystal balls, aren't you? Don't discuss her immaturity away. Maybe she just wasn't willing enough to invest into your relationship, because it's so common these days to exchange the guy for a bbd – bigger, better deal …

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